A Fish Tale

  1. PLENTY OF FISH DATING SITE OF FREE DATINGFebruary 7, 2016 / 12:01 pm

    Tremendous issues here. I’m very satisfied to peer your post.
    Thank you a lot and I am having a look ahead to contact you.
    Will you please drop me a mail?

    • NOT THAT MIKE THE OTHER MIKEFebruary 9, 2016 / 1:00 am

      Dear Plenty of Fish Dating Site of Free Dating:

      I would like to tell you how much your service changed my life. I had tried every dating service on the Internet without success. I tried Match.com, OkCupid, Gluten Free Singles, Clown Dating, Women Behind Bars, Left-Handed Crochet Ninjas, Marry a Mannequin, Peg-leg Passions — but nowhere could I find someone whose interests matched mine.

      And then I tried Plenty of Fish Dating Site of Free Dating. Nervously, as I had done on so many sites before, I completed my profile: “Hello, I’m Mike, and I like plenty of fish.” I waited anxious minutes, and then DING! there was a message in my inbox. “Hello, I’m Bethany,” the message read, “and I too like plenty of fish.”

      Could it be? Had I found my one true soulmate? Hurriedly, I replied and arranged to meet. We discussed meeting over coffee, or going to the movies, but eventually we agreed on a rendezvous at the wharf downtown. Where there was plenty of fish.

      I waited at the docks for what felt like hours. The morning sun glowed on the horizon as the fishing boats hauled their cargo to the market. The air was rich with the aroma of bass, skipjack, and mackerel, each in towering piles as the boats were unloaded. There was plenty of fish.

      “Mike?” came a voice behind me. I turned, and saw Bethany, in a smartly tailored skirt suit. Her blonde hair was swept up in a bun, lit by the morning light so that it looked like a crown of gold.

      For an agonizing moment, I had nothing to say. I was helpless and mute in the shadow of her loveliness. I looked around me and grabbed a trout from a nearby barrel. “Bethany?” I said in a weak voice as I held the trout aloft. “There’s… there’s plenty of fish.”

      And then, impulsively, I threw the trout at her, glancing her across the cheek. The still-living fish slapped her with its tail an extra time before falling to the ground. Trails of slimy water ran down her crisp tan blazer.

      I winced. Was it too soon? Had I gone too far? Like so many times before, my impulses had the better of me. Would this meeting end in tears like all the others?

      Bethany picked up the trout by its tail. “Yes, there’s plenty of fish,” she said coolly, and struck me hard across the face, knocking me into a basket of carp. “So let’s get started.”

      We ran joyfully through the market, pelting each other with mackerel and catfish, sliding down piles of sea bass, spanking each other playfully with flounder. We dueled with swordfish like Zorro and his fiery lover, then I played clamshells like castanets while she danced from barrel to barrel. By the time the police arrested us, we were in love.

      Six months later, I waited for her again as she was released from jail. Even the fluorescent lights and the orange jumpsuit could not diminish her proud beauty. I fell to my knees and proposed, and soon we are to be married. There will be challenges ahead for us, but I know we will face them together. We begin our new life with a lavish reception at the municipal aquarium. Where there’s plenty of fish.

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43 thoughts on “A Fish Tale

  1. Kay Fabe February 9, 2016 / 12:54 pm

    Rule 34.

    • Faye February 9, 2016 / 4:26 pm

      When you’re 64 you need to Google “rule 34”.
      I’m sorry to have to tell all you youngsters but rule 34 existed way before the Internet.

      • Kay Fabe February 9, 2016 / 8:23 pm

        I’m simultaneously delighted and horrified.

        • Faye February 9, 2016 / 8:46 pm

          Me too!!😳

  2. Lurkingduck February 9, 2016 / 12:55 pm

    “Spanking each other playfully with flounder”. Time to activate my computer insurance policy. Again. Hopefully, they get my claim started in thirty minutes or less, because I don’t want to miss a thing here.

  3. Michelle P February 9, 2016 / 12:56 pm

    Holy mackerel! This made me laugh. 😀

    I leave you with one of the best Monty Python skits of all time:

    • Kay Fabe February 9, 2016 / 2:00 pm

      That’s what popped in my mind, too!

      • Deb February 9, 2016 / 7:03 pm

        Yes, exactly what popped in my mind as well! I also saw it on Broadway in Spamalot, where it became part of the “Finland, that’s the country for me” song. Hilarious!

  4. Beemoused February 9, 2016 / 12:57 pm

    OMG! I now need a new keyboard because I just spit iced tea all over my last one! Please–you **MUST** leave your brain to science!

  5. Brouhaha February 9, 2016 / 1:06 pm

    See? A lid for every pot.

  6. Faye February 9, 2016 / 1:10 pm

    Hello! And thanks for all the fish!

    Now I want to marry you too. But I’ll just pretend I’m your gay girl friend.

  7. Starfish February 9, 2016 / 1:18 pm

    You really reeled me in with your story, NTMTOM. I always thought online dating was kinda fishy, trying to bait people. Happy to see it worked out and you could find someone to do things with for the halibut.

  8. Saffron February 9, 2016 / 1:21 pm

    OMG. That was AWESOME. 😀

  9. April February 9, 2016 / 1:27 pm

    NTMTOM, I bow down and humbly ask that you eventually do a book with all your Spambot posts. Brilliant!

    • Gigi_the cat lady February 9, 2016 / 1:38 pm

      YES! A Spambook!

  10. Linda February 9, 2016 / 1:33 pm

    *standing ovation*

  11. Madame X February 9, 2016 / 1:34 pm

    As my mind’s eye contemplates the gamboling among the groupers and flirtatious flouncing with the flounders, I simply must ask you, yet again… Will you marry me, NTMTOM?

    • debg February 9, 2016 / 5:43 pm

      Get in line, Madame! Lots of us have already proposed, to no avail.

  12. Gigi_the cat lady February 9, 2016 / 1:45 pm

    You had me giggling at “I looked around me and grabbed a trout from a nearby barrel” And laughing out loud at ” The still-living fish slapped her with its tail an extra time”.

  13. myiglets February 9, 2016 / 1:59 pm

    OMG WHERE TO START?? Hahaha I’ll pick only one of the gems – “gluten free singles” hahahaha.

      • Haha February 9, 2016 / 2:29 pm

        Awesomeness! I love this on so many levels.

      • hilz February 9, 2016 / 2:58 pm

        Psh. Gluten-free is such a fad. Before you know it, we’ll be eating gluten-full singles again, and I’ll be ahead of the curve.

        • myiglets February 9, 2016 / 3:16 pm

          🙂 🙂 !

      • myiglets February 9, 2016 / 3:06 pm

        Ok, what’s yer user name?

      • allein February 9, 2016 / 7:15 pm

        Sadly, I knew you did not.

  14. amyliz February 9, 2016 / 2:00 pm

    Perfect parody of a trashy romance novel, complete with…FISH, of all things! 🐟 😄! A masterpiece!

  15. Laura February 9, 2016 / 2:01 pm

    BRAVO! BRAVISSIMO! (Standing ovation for 15 minutes with 42 curtain calls!)

    And I also cast my vote for a Spambook! Your brilliance knows no limits!

  16. Clairdelune February 9, 2016 / 2:12 pm

    NTMTOM, you are delightfully insane, please never change!! I LOVE YOU! The world needs minds like yours. Nearly destroyed my keyboard, gotta learn not to hold a cup of coffee while reading your posts. I wish you were running for president (for the Monty Python Free Thinker Party?), I’d vote for you in a heartbeat. Plenty of fish indeed, hee heehee 😀 😀

  17. 6rabbits February 9, 2016 / 3:14 pm

    No. Words.

  18. LunaChickFringe February 9, 2016 / 4:43 pm

    I can’t even…

  19. Julie February 9, 2016 / 5:52 pm

    everytime I think “…this is NTMTOM’s best…” you then come up with something like this.

  20. Ellie's Maid February 9, 2016 / 6:51 pm

    Sheer brilliance!

    • Ellie's Maid February 9, 2016 / 6:52 pm

      Oh yeah, I want a copy of the Spambot book, too!!!!!

      • Faye February 9, 2016 / 7:43 pm

        NTMTOM could market the Spambot book in its own can with a pull tab.

        • Haha February 9, 2016 / 8:02 pm

          A pull tab can with a pull tab book! In the fish story you pull the tab in the book and a fish swings up!

          • Faye February 9, 2016 / 8:41 pm

            Omg interactive NTMTOM experience.

  21. Alison February 9, 2016 / 11:36 pm

    Couldn’t visit the page until late. No need for a bedtime story. A Fish Tale FIN-ishes off the day. Thanks!

  22. Not That Mike The Other Mike February 10, 2016 / 10:27 am

    By the way, Bethany works as a TV weather reporter. Sometimes I like to visit her when she goes on location.

  23. Emmberrann February 10, 2016 / 8:06 pm

    NTMTOM, you reely hooked me with this fishy tail.

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