New Hope for Sprinkles Sufferers

Does your nose break out in colorful dots? You may be one of the estimated two million people who suffer from sprinkles. In the past, sprinkles could only be treated with rhubarb juice and prayer, but now there’s Placeben®, the once-hourly pill that reduces sprinkles by as much as 64 23.9 four percent*. Ask your doctor if Placeben is right for you, and do it fast before we raise the price. If he says no, ask again using a high squeaky voice. By the way, we raised the price while you were reading that. Placeben: Get Back in the Game, Whatever the Hell That Means.

Sorry, but I won’t be convinced until I see stock footage of a happy couple strolling on a beach.

Via Imgur. *Side effects may include sweating, twitching, awkward itching, warts and rashes, splotches in splashes, memory loss, memory loss, cold feet, hot lips, hawk eye, major burns, memory loss, tennis elbow, jazz hands, Trump hair, an unhealthy interest in badgers, fear of ninja attacks, actual ninja attacks, phantom tollbooth syndrome, spontaneous gargling, uncontrollable levitation, and memory loss. Do not take Placeben if you are Presbyterian or think you might be Presbyterian, taking dancing lessons, have two or more wooden appendages, enjoy Ayn Rand novels, faint at the sound of the word “topsoil,” or have frequent contact with penguins. Oh, we just raised the price again. If nose begins to smoke or play harpsichord music while taking Placeben, that’s supposed to happen.

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49 thoughts on “New Hope for Sprinkles Sufferers

  1. Susan March 24, 2016 / 8:54 am

    How do I KNOW if I am a Presbyterian? Is there a test?

    • Kar March 25, 2016 / 2:00 am

      When faced with a crisis, a fork in the road, or even decision about sprinkles, you form a committee and spend ten years to decide nothing.

      We’re not always decisive.

    • ^oo^ March 25, 2016 / 2:01 am

      Look out for symptoms of OverDox! Long body, short legs. Tendency to sprinkle. And irrationally barkle.

      • Lurkingduck March 25, 2016 / 1:00 pm

        Snorked tea through my nose reading this.

    • ^oo^ March 25, 2016 / 2:02 am


  2. Arne March 24, 2016 / 9:05 am

    “Side effects may include Trump hair” left me gasping for air.

    “If you enjoy Ayn Rand novels” killed me off.

  3. Ricky's Mom March 24, 2016 / 9:07 am

    “phantom tollbooth syndrome” killed me dead.

  4. allein March 24, 2016 / 9:12 am

    So I was reading this out loud and got to “topsoil” and fainted dead away. I guess I can’t take this stuff.

  5. allein March 24, 2016 / 9:13 am

    BTW, Mike, this week has been long and sad and stressful and this place is keeping me going. So thank you (and all the commenters) for being you.

    • debg March 24, 2016 / 10:22 am

      What Allein said. You all make the world a better place.

      • inge March 24, 2016 / 10:39 am

        I second !

      • Emmberrann March 24, 2016 / 4:47 pm

        I third.

        • Flowerfanatic March 24, 2016 / 5:32 pm

          I fourth!!

          • Kar March 24, 2016 / 8:09 pm


            • ^oo^ March 25, 2016 / 1:55 am

              I sexth.

              • Lurkingduck March 25, 2016 / 1:01 pm

                Ooo, what you said! 😳

  6. Mariana Paes March 24, 2016 / 9:15 am

    Just to let you know that I’m gonna frame this post and hang it in my living room. it’s THAT good

  7. Faye March 24, 2016 / 9:23 am

    Dog equivalent of Sparkle Beard?

    The sprinkles IN the nostril killed me ded.

  8. Gigi_the cat lady March 24, 2016 / 9:50 am

    Hot lips, hawk eye and major burns but no klinger, so it doesn’t cause cross dressing, that’s good to know 😉

    • Lurkingduck March 24, 2016 / 11:51 am

      Gigi, I did not get the MASH references till I read your comment. Thank you for the second laugh I got from this.

  9. margaret March 24, 2016 / 9:54 am

    One of your best NTMTOM!!!

    You and your site are a much lived, much needed respite these days.

    • ^oo^ March 25, 2016 / 1:56 am

      And loved!

  10. Juno March 24, 2016 / 10:05 am

    NOMTOM, you have outdone yourself once again!

  11. LunaChickFringe March 24, 2016 / 10:30 am

    How does one define an “unhealthy” interest in badgers?

    • Faye March 24, 2016 / 10:36 am

      Your question is the first sign. So sorry. 😉

      • LunaChickFringe March 24, 2016 / 10:48 am

        Started to snort my Emergen-C out of my nose!

        • Faye March 24, 2016 / 11:00 am


    • allein March 24, 2016 / 10:38 am

      If you get too close to a badger, it will be very unhealthy for you.

    • Julie March 24, 2016 / 11:09 am

      Interest in badgers is NEVER unhealthy!! 🙂

    • 6rabbits March 25, 2016 / 8:13 am

      This entire badger sequence kept me laughing so hard I started coughing and then crying! Thanks guys, in total sincerity!😂

  12. Lurkingduck March 24, 2016 / 11:49 am

    Thank you, Mike. This has been a horrible week. I desperately needed the laugh you gave today. I will be sending this to everyone I know.

  13. amyliz March 24, 2016 / 1:21 pm

    One of your best, NTMTOM, a true masterpiece, especially that spectacular list of side effects! I also love the hover text; the happy couple strolling on a beach is truly a prescription drug ad cliche!

    • Faye March 24, 2016 / 2:21 pm

      Better than the couple in separate bathtubs.

  14. AB March 24, 2016 / 1:30 pm

    Google chose to display an ad for a pharmaceutical clinical research study for children with Tourette’s syndrome at the top of my browser window as I read this.

    I can’t articulate exactly why I find that funny, but I do.

  15. AJ March 24, 2016 / 1:48 pm

    Crying from laughing so hard. The picture – priceless! The hover text – unbelievable! The side effects – beyond words, a NTMTOM classic! The last line just killed me ded – “If nose begins to smoke or play harpsichord music while taking Placeben, that’s supposed to happen.” Supposed to to happen?? After all the other weird side effects, these are the ones that are okay??

  16. Haha March 24, 2016 / 1:59 pm

    Will this couple qualify?

    • Faye March 24, 2016 / 2:23 pm


    • amyliz March 24, 2016 / 2:24 pm

      But they aren’t strolling!

      • Emmberrann March 24, 2016 / 4:50 pm

        But maybe they are trolling…

        • amyliz March 24, 2016 / 6:04 pm


      • Clairdelune March 25, 2016 / 3:26 am

        Maybe they don’t dare, wearing that getup…. 😀

  17. Ellie's Maid March 24, 2016 / 11:53 pm

    The NOSE! The sprinkles on the nose and IN the nose!!!!!!!

    A DOR A BUL!!!!!!! (No, not adore a bull – a dor a bul)! 😀 😀

  18. Clairdelune March 25, 2016 / 3:34 am

    The expression on doggie’s face by itself is priceless, but the addition of NTMTOM’s prose elevates this to a masterpiece. Good grief, it’s been years since the last time I laughed hard enough to make my eyes tear!! If there is a Monty Python Award, Mike is a shoo-in. 😀 😀

  19. 6rabbits March 25, 2016 / 8:17 am


    • Alice Shortcake March 25, 2016 / 8:40 am

      I DEMAND a coffee-table book. With badgers and sprinkles.

      • ^oo^ March 25, 2016 / 1:03 pm

        Badgers? I don’ have to show you no stinkin’ badgers.

  20. E. Z. Reader April 26, 2016 / 8:34 pm

    One of your best!Thanks

  21. Em May 14, 2016 / 3:41 am

    Wonderful mockutizement! This reminds me of one of my favorites from co, I think it involved a cat with styrofoam pellets and some science-ese. What a nice evening getting caught up with posts I missed!

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