Memorandum on Bathtime Protocols

Here are your instructions; do not deviate from them for any reason. The Major takes his bath at precisely 11:17. At exactly 11:14, begin filling the tub to allow the water to reach 86.2 degrees Fahrenheit. When the Major arrives, back away quietly. Do not speak to the Major. Do not make eye contact with the Major. Do not utter the words “pasteboard,” “wobble” or “tangerine” in his presence. Avoid sneezing; if you sneeze, sing “I’ve Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts,” substituting the phrase “monkey butts” for “coconuts” until the Major regains composure.

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19 thoughts on “Memorandum on Bathtime Protocols

  1. JenDeyan October 4, 2016 / 9:09 am

    Apparently, it’s good to be the Major.

  2. allein 🐾 October 4, 2016 / 9:31 am

    A nice bath and a drink in one. What more can you ask for?

  3. allein 🐾 October 4, 2016 / 9:34 am

    Also, I want to spend just one day in Mike’s head. It must be a fascinating place.

    • Murray C. October 4, 2016 / 10:11 am

      Oh, yeah, I’ve often thought that, Allein. And I love the way the Orderly backs away from the scene. “My job here is done (thank heaven)”

  4. Smartypants October 4, 2016 / 10:33 am

    I love the text! But my computer is ‘protecting’ me from seeing the video – could someone please post a link to YouTube or another source? TY.

    • JenDeyan October 4, 2016 / 10:54 am

      It’s a Facebook post. You have to be logged into Facebook to see it.

        • JenDeyan October 4, 2016 / 11:53 am

          That’s good to know. It’s always been difficult to share Facebook photos and pictures with my friend who refuses to get a Facebook account. How did you get that link?

          • Not That Mike The Other Mike October 4, 2016 / 12:19 pm

            I originally saw the link on Imgur, where a snippet from this video was posted. Once at Facebook, I used an “embed video” command to get the code I needed to paste it here.

  5. Gigi the cat lady October 4, 2016 / 10:38 am

    Oh! Is that a preview of the next series by Julian Fellowes, Dogton Abbey?

  6. Duckie 🐥 October 4, 2016 / 10:54 am

    Mike, this post has wrought utter destruction upon my life today. Not only do I now have a maligned ear worm for the day (monkey butts!), but I must also recite a poem about dinosaurs in front of my class this morning!

    • Murray C. October 4, 2016 / 12:02 pm

      Oooh, can you post the poem, Duckie???

      • Duckie 🐥 October 4, 2016 / 7:53 pm

        We were discussing rhyme and metre in poetry, and the various names metre goes by. Someone said they sounded like dinosaurs, so…

        The monosaurus has one foot, but gets around using wings.
        Dimetridon? Two feet, and it frequently sings.
        It has a back with a ridge, which serves it no purpose
        And it’s voice, so atonal, makes everyone nervous.
        Poor trimetridon’s three feet cause an ungainly pace,
        But don’t laugh, or it’s likely to bite off your face.
        Tetrasaurus had four feet, and a spike on its tail,
        With a brain like a mouse turd, and a body, a whale.
        Now large pentasaurus is a rather odd creature
        With five stubby legs, and a quite unique feature:
        On top of its head, where the view is the best,
        The pent-asaurus sports a very large nest.
        Alexadactyl has six feet and knows how to fly.
        Heptadactyl has seven feet, and no one knows why.
        The trianapest’s ugly, and hungry for blood.
        A soft-soft-hard insect that lives in the mud.
        Iambisaurus and trochasaurus are Siamese twins.
        They balance each other with their outs and their ins.
        Iambi jumps soft-hard, and trochi hard-soft.
        When jumping together they achieve quite a loft.
        But the worst of these dinos is huge octadactyl,
        Whose role in this world is really quite awful.
        It lurks in the water and spins its eight feet
        To create a maelstrom, to drown others, to eat.

        I hope you all like how I’ve tried, in some fashion,
        To explain to you somehow this dinosaur scansion.

        • Murray C. October 4, 2016 / 9:48 pm

          It’s FABulous! I think I’ll save it so I can remember meters. Not that I have much occasion to think about them, but it’s fun to know and this is even more fun!

  7. Birdcage October 4, 2016 / 11:41 am

    What a lovely old fellow the Major is.

  8. Camille October 4, 2016 / 1:47 pm

    All together, now:

    I’ve got a lovely bunch of Monkey Butts
    There they are, all standing in a row
    Big ones, small ones, some as big as your head
    Give them a twist, a flick of the wrist
    Thats what NTMTOM said

    • allein 🐾 October 4, 2016 / 3:05 pm

      I don’t know if two constitutes a “bunch” but it’s the cutest one I could find.

      • Murray C. October 4, 2016 / 3:23 pm

        Well, if I DID have anything in my mouth it certainly would have emerged from the ol’ schnozzola!😂

        • fkaWaldenPond October 4, 2016 / 9:59 pm

          My, what pink ears they have!

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