Here are your instructions; do not deviate from them for any reason. The Major takes his bath at precisely 11:17. At exactly 11:14, begin filling the tub to allow the water to reach 86.2 degrees Fahrenheit. When the Major arrives, back away quietly. Do not speak to the Major. Do not make eye contact with the Major. Do not utter the words “pasteboard,” “wobble” or “tangerine” in his presence. Avoid sneezing; if you sneeze, sing “I’ve Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts,” substituting the phrase “monkey butts” for “coconuts” until the Major regains composure.
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