Here are your instructions. Follow them exactly if you wish to live. The tea must be infused for precisely two minutes, eighteen seconds before adding two teaspoons of yak’s milk. The cookie must have an even number of chocolate chips; remove any strays. Place the tea and cookie on the center floorboard above the pit. Do not look into the pit. When you hear an unearthly gurgling sound, back away slowly while repeating “This we offer in humility and fear.”
I am writing to share with you how pleased I am with the E-Z Feeder 2000 that my human just installed in my home. True to its design, your product serves me the precise amount of food that I want at any given moment, while allowing a small amount to trickle into a bowl in case I want a midnight snack later.
Maru, the brave outdoorsman, has set up camp in the living room. He’s busy wallpapering his tent with pink hearts when suddenly, a wild Hana attacks! To make matters worse, a family of sleeping-bed bugs moves in underneath. All in all, an in-tents experience.