Cat and the Beanstalk

Once upon a time, there was a kitten who was easily duped. One day, she got an email that began “FW: FW: Re: FW: FW: FW: Grow GIANT BEANSTALKS using this ONE WEIRD TRICK the MAINSTREAM MEDIA doesn’t want you to know about!”

Her curiosity piqued, the kitten ordered the Magic Patriot Bean Survival Kit for the introductory price of just $99.99 (or twelve easy monthly payments of $9.99). And indeed the beans were magic, for they worked exactly as advertised, which is pretty much the standard for miracles nowadays. When the kitten returned the next day, she saw a beanstalk that rose improbably into the clouds, creating an air traffic hazard.

At first, the kitten thought she might climb the beanstalk and see what riches lay at the top, but then she remembered she was so terrified of heights that the fire department once had to be called to rescue her from the shelf over the washing machine, so instead she called for the dog, who was even more easily duped than she, and said “Here’s a rope and some mountaineering boots. See what’s up there.”

And the dog was never heard from again. The end.


Potted Kitten, by jurvetson

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22 thoughts on “Cat and the Beanstalk

  1. Faye December 17, 2015 / 10:56 am

    Snorted in bed!!

  2. Michelle P December 17, 2015 / 12:02 pm

    Gawd, I love this. And the hover text! *snort*

    Wish I could think of a pun using legume… hmm…

    • Haha December 17, 2015 / 1:53 pm

      Legumes aren’t punny. I’m bean serious.

      • Michelle P December 17, 2015 / 4:51 pm

        HA! Hilarious!!

      • Laura December 17, 2015 / 5:31 pm

        I think you’re going a lentil overboard there.

        • Haha December 17, 2015 / 6:03 pm

          I’ll be garbanzo before this is over.

          • Haha December 17, 2015 / 6:17 pm

            Give me a pint-o the good stuff and I could go all night.

  3. Gigi_the cat lady December 17, 2015 / 12:38 pm

    Beanstalk, why is it always magic beanstalk in stories?

    As the Beatles said: All we are saying, is give peas a chance.

      • Smartypants December 17, 2015 / 2:01 pm

        Have you seen the bumper sticker “Visualize whirled peas”? Love it! (for you youngsters, it’s a pun on an older motto, “Visualize world peace”).

  4. Clairdelune December 17, 2015 / 3:20 pm

    That adorable kitty looks like my kitty the first time we tried to put up a Christmas tree after she joined our family…. the look of longing… the ensuing disaster…. we never tried THAT again.
    I would love to get some magic beans, cannot think of a better way to escape the topsy-turvy world we live in these days. Even if the Ogre is at the top, it’s not as scary as the recent presidential debates on TV. 🙂
    @Michelle P, I can’t think of a bean pun either… :-{ But I do give peas a chance, quite often in fact. Love them. 🙂

  5. Clairdelune December 17, 2015 / 3:21 pm

    NTMTOM, I LOVE YOU MORE EACH DAY!!!!!! Please put together a book of your stories, it would be welcome reading whenever I feel down and need a cup of hot cocoa. 😀

  6. AJ December 17, 2015 / 3:43 pm

    Well that’s one way of getting rid of the dog, Bwhaaa Haa Haaa.

  7. Deb December 17, 2015 / 5:38 pm

    This had me in stitches! Superb post NTMTOM! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

  8. Faye December 17, 2015 / 6:03 pm

    Adzuki!! God bless you! (a bean pun)

    • Faye December 17, 2015 / 6:04 pm

      The ear floof on that kitty is killin me.

  9. Mr. Max December 18, 2015 / 3:31 am

    I remember one of my friends told me and a nerdy botanist friend of mine an impromptu joke in which the punchline was “The Selfish Bean” (as opposed to the famous Richard Dawkins book “The Selfish Gene”). I don’t remember the joke, I just remembered we laughed our heads off like lunatics,. The friend who made up the joke said “You are the only two people I know who would GET that joke AND think it’s funny!”.

    Thank you all for the great laughs today–I was being a major league grumpasaurus before I got on here and started smiling at all the wonderful and clever silliness!

    • Haha December 18, 2015 / 5:11 am

      A few years ago I was using an older electronic system. Now after your great comment I have an illustration running around my head of your Grumpasaurus sitting at my Dinoputer.

      • Mr. Max December 18, 2015 / 5:14 pm

        Funny! Now I have the same picture in my head! I see plenty of Cranky Molecules emanating from said Grumpasaurus’ head while the Dinoputer keeps giving an error message that the dot matrix printer connection isn’t working..

        You were on to something, too–the main reason I was so grumpy was because I had spent an hour unsuccessfully trying to fax something to someone because my printer wouldn’t email it! Technology can be wonderful, but it truly brings out the Grumpasaurus in me. I’m afraid my response to malfunctioning tech is: If force doesn’t work, you’re not using enough.

        • 6rabbits December 19, 2015 / 8:57 pm

          *snerk* That is MY response to malfunctioning tech also!
          (I get especially peeved at messages such as, “the computer doesn’t recognize the printer.” I figure slap-therapy might improve its temporary amnesia!)

  10. 6rabbits December 19, 2015 / 9:00 pm

    NTMTOM, I can’t believe you got THAT story out of that unassuming photo! You amaze me!😄

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