666 of One, Half a Dozen of the Nether

  1. PETERSMIMay 13, 2016 / 2:57 pm

    Google chrome logo 666


    1. NOT THAT MIKE THE OTHER MIKEMay 14, 2016 / 2:05 pm

      Today’s reading will be from the Book of Ecommerce, Version Twelve, Revision 9.2303.

      And thus it came to pass that the angel Siri guided User to an endless winding river, and spake unto User, saying “Behold, for this is the destiny of Man.” And User saw, and all around there was a great sorrow.

      The men and the women did push their shopping carts across the river, but slowly and with great weariness, for the river was deep and wide and their carts were heavy with the worldly possessions they had amassed in life: treadmill workstationsmullet headbands for dogs, nose-shaped soap dispensers, and of course Spam and Spam Lite and Teriyaki Spam and Jalapeño Spam and Spam with bacon and Turkey Spam and Spam Spread and Spam-flavored macadamia nuts and Spam.

      And across the river there was a great grate, guarded by the demons Ebayus and Etsyus. And the people pushed their carts to be checked out. “What lies beyond?” User asked of Siri, but she answered him not, saying “All who would pass must bear his mark.”

      And User saw beyond the grate the beast Bezosebub on his throne, and etched into his chromium armor was the number 999 in a circle that had neither beginning nor end.

      “But hold,” said User. “That is not the number 666 as revealed in Scripture.” “Yes, it is,” replied Bezosebub. “No, those are nines.” “No, they’re sixes.”

      “They’re nines.” “They’re sixes.” “Nines.” “Sixes.” “Nines.” “Sixes.”

      “Look, I know the number nine when I see it. There’s the top part, which is generally a circle or oval, followed by a descending stroke that begins on the right side and depending on the typographic style proceeds straight down to the baseline or into a semicircle
      tangential to the…”

      “Listen, schmuck,” growled the beast, “I’m running this taco stand, and if I say those are sixes, then they’re sixes.”

      And just then did great Bezosebub lift User by his ankles and hold him upside-down before his gigantic face. “Tell me what you see now, Captain Helvetica?” he demanded.

      “Yeah, okay, those are sixes. Also, you’ve got a bit of spinach caught between your…” But finish did he not, for the beast had devoured him and was thus pleased.

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33 thoughts on “666 of One, Half a Dozen of the Nether

  1. Janice May 16, 2016 / 10:59 am

    Another amazing tale by the NTMTOM!

  2. Murray C. May 16, 2016 / 11:01 am

    I’m a bit dizzy, the truth to tell.😵

  3. Gigi_the cat lady May 16, 2016 / 11:15 am

    NTMTOM you are our prophet of the funny, the punny and the satire, the holy trinity of humor.

  4. beemoused May 16, 2016 / 11:16 am

    Laughed until the tears ran from this! “Bezosebub”– I just knew there were infernal influences at work here!

    • Deborah Gerish May 16, 2016 / 11:17 am

      That was my favorite moment too–in a long series of fave moments.

        • Juno May 16, 2016 / 5:13 pm

          Love the reference to “Beelzebub.” Such a cool name.

  5. birdcage May 16, 2016 / 11:43 am

    This is brilliant.

  6. Joy May 16, 2016 / 11:52 am

    Thank you NTMTOM for making the scarily stupid of the internet “tea-spewingly” funny.

    • Duckie May 16, 2016 / 11:58 am

      And thank you, Joy, for letting me know that I’m not the only one who spews tea while reading NTMTOM.

      • Emmberrann May 16, 2016 / 12:05 pm

        And then there are those of us who are coffee-spewers….

        • Gigi_the cat lady May 16, 2016 / 12:18 pm

          and Ginger Ale spewers …

          • allein May 16, 2016 / 1:12 pm

            Remember, kids, don’t drink and read.

            • Murray C. May 16, 2016 / 2:46 pm

              this message brought to you by Spewers Anonymous

  7. Duckie May 16, 2016 / 12:37 pm

    Don’t forget the garlic spam!

  8. allein May 16, 2016 / 1:13 pm


    That is all.

  9. Lo May 16, 2016 / 1:21 pm

    I had to check out all the spam-flavored stuff. Now I have a craving for macadamia nuts.

    • Kar May 16, 2016 / 7:30 pm

      Kona coffee glazed macadamia nuts, they’re totally crack.

  10. Faye May 16, 2016 / 2:24 pm

    I rise up from my worshipful posture to give NTMTOM a standing ovation.

  11. Kar May 16, 2016 / 7:27 pm

    Captain Helvetica? This is so genius.

    I knew that chrome was evil.

  12. jlamusings May 16, 2016 / 8:34 pm

    I feel the sudden urge to go watch the spam sketch before heading to bed….Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam….

  13. TrixAndSam May 16, 2016 / 8:56 pm

    NTMTOM, tell us how Moses parted the seas to speed delivery for Prime members!

  14. SAA1451 May 16, 2016 / 9:36 pm

    This is brilliant!

    (; NTMTOM will likely be getting a lot of commissions this week on Spam flavored food stuffs from Amazon 😉

    Thank you Allein and Murray C as well for your contributions to today’s delivery.

    • allein May 16, 2016 / 9:56 pm

      Hey, I’ve worked my share of retail. I know from hell.

      • Phred's Mom May 17, 2016 / 6:40 am

        Allein, me, too. We could waste hours telling stories.
        Although the customer was always right. 😖 Right?

        • allein May 17, 2016 / 6:57 am

          Yeah, sure…

          • Murray C. May 17, 2016 / 9:57 am

            I worked in retail, in art supply stores. My favorite was a woman who came in and asked for supplies for décolletage. I graciously suggested that perhaps she meant decoupage – she blushed decorously.

            • allein May 17, 2016 / 10:04 am

              Nice. I worked in bookstores, mostly. You get some, let’s go with “interesting,” requests.

              • Faye May 17, 2016 / 10:17 am

                Library Paton: I saw a book here yesterday. I put it back. Now it’s not there. Did somebody move It?
                Me: hmmm could it have been ahhh CHECKED OUT!!!!! (I didn’t actually yell)

                Library Patron: I used a book last year to bake a special cake. I don’t see it on the shelf.
                Me: If you can tell me the title or the author I can look it up.
                Library Patron: I don’t remember the title or the author. It was a blue book.
                Me: 🙄

                • allein May 17, 2016 / 10:28 am

                  Why is it always blue?

                  Funny story: I still work for the company, and I frequent the store near me (where I worked years ago, though there are still a few people there that I worked with). I was in there around Christmas a year or two ago, wanting to look at a book that I saw on the holiday order list we were putting together at my office, but I couldn’t remember the title. I stopped to say hi to the store manager at the customer service desk, and I said I was hoping if I stared at the section long enough I would remember what book it was that I wanted to look at. His response was a deadpan, “Do you know what color it was?” 😛

                  • Murray C. May 17, 2016 / 10:53 am


                  • Faye May 17, 2016 / 6:11 pm

                    Yup! You nailed it! At least those are not checked out!

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