I Regret Nothing

As the door of the police cruiser closed behind him, Randall watched the work crew hoistΒ the Mrs. Paul’s delivery truck from the harbor. It had been a memorable 24 hours: the daring theft, the high-speed chase, the news helicopters shadowing him… He had come so close, and in the end only a padlocked latch stood between him and glory. As the cruiser prepared to leave, Randall heard a clap — just one at first, then more, until he saw his people, lined by the dozens on the side of the road, applauding him. Randall smiled to himself. He would leave them as a felon, but return to them a hero.

(If only I had opposable thumbs and knew how keys work…)

Thanks to sender-inner John B. (via Mashable.)

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26 thoughts on “I Regret Nothing

  1. debg August 15, 2016 / 1:05 pm

    Mike, you make every day funnier.

  2. LunaChickFringe August 15, 2016 / 1:25 pm

    *golf clap* It took me a second to find the critter in this pic but then it all clicked. Well done.

  3. dubravkamcvmd August 15, 2016 / 1:54 pm

    The pelican’s thoughtful expression is what nails it. I want Mike’s wonderful short story to be true story.

    • Dubravkamcvmd August 15, 2016 / 2:14 pm

      Correction : to be true or a true story.

      • debg August 15, 2016 / 3:00 pm

        It’s worth clicking through to Mashable and then their source, Jezebel. You’ll love the real one.

        • dubravkamcvmd August 15, 2016 / 4:23 pm

          Thanks. The best caption at Jezebel was Thinking About the Mistakes I’ve Made.

          • fkaWaldenPond August 15, 2016 / 10:18 pm


        • 6rabbits August 16, 2016 / 7:40 am

          Had to go check it out–it WAS worth it!πŸ˜„

  4. Smartypants August 15, 2016 / 3:01 pm

    Cops: “We thought he’d sing like a canary, but he’s no stool pigeon.”

    Mike, I love your new header – subliminal tattoo parlor? πŸ˜€

    • allein 🐾 August 15, 2016 / 4:07 pm

      I like that! If anyone ever asks if I have tattoos I’m gonna say I have tons…but they’re subliminal tattoos.

      • Faye August 15, 2016 / 9:51 pm

        Coffee spitting funny. ROFLOL subliminal tattoos.

        • allein 🐾 August 15, 2016 / 11:00 pm

          Much less painful than the regular kind. πŸ˜‰

      • 6rabbits August 16, 2016 / 7:42 am

        Part of the fun would be the confused look on the faces of half the people you said it to!πŸ˜‰

        • Faye August 16, 2016 / 7:45 am

          Especially if you start pointing out each tattoo of bare skin.

          • allein 🐾 August 16, 2016 / 8:10 am


  5. Saffron August 15, 2016 / 3:36 pm

    So then this is the Billy Jack of the pelican world?

    • Gigi the cat lady August 15, 2016 / 5:50 pm

      That’s the first thing I thought of when I read “until he saw his people, lined by the dozens on the side of the road”.

      • Saffron August 15, 2016 / 8:54 pm

        It then makes me think of the awesome parody SNL did …

  6. Julie August 15, 2016 / 3:55 pm

    Mrs. Paul’s delivery truck! Hahaha!

  7. Phred's Mom August 15, 2016 / 6:49 pm

    An approximate quote from somewhere – Ogden Nash?
    “A wonderful bird is the pelican,
    his beak can hold more than his belly can.”

    • allein 🐾 August 15, 2016 / 7:00 pm

      Dixon Lanier Merritt
      (Often misattributed to Nash)

      A wonderful bird is the pelican,
      His bill will hold more than his belican,
      He can take in his beak
      Enough food for a week
      But I’m damned if I see how the helican!

      • 6rabbits August 15, 2016 / 7:30 pm


  8. Doug August 16, 2016 / 7:44 am

    That’s not just a pelican .. he was standing in for a Stork and got busted for
    Breaking and Entering during a delivery

    • Murray C. August 16, 2016 / 9:38 pm


  9. Gigi the cat lady August 16, 2016 / 9:49 pm

    Pelican got busted for misplacing his brief 😜

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