BREAKING NEWS: After a lengthy trial, an all-cat jury has found notorious potato-chip thief Omar Spitoon guilty on all counts and sentenced him the maximum term in Pringles Prison. Ignoring defense counsel’s pleas for leniency, Judge Ivana Hangemall cited the risk of repeat offense, noting “once they pop, they can’t stop.”
“All right, let’s go over this one more time. Bruno, you wait by the refrigerator door. At exactly sippy-cup time, Rex and Bingo will cause a loud diversion in the back yard. When Mom goes out to investigate, you keep her occupied for exactly these many fingers. Meanwhile, I open the refrigerator, stand on Bruno’s back and clean out the entire supply of juice boxes and Lunchables.”
Cutetropolites, be on the lookout for shifty shoplifting squirrels with a criminal candy craving. A shopkeeper in Toronto captured the brazen thefts last October and November, and now the klepto-cuties are Internet famous.
“I always see them sneaking outside the door, looking in my store, and even right at me!” said Paul Kim, owner of Luke’s Grocery. “They come in and take Crunchies, Crispy Crunch, Wonderbar.” The store estimates it has lost close to 50 bars since the crime spree began.
Thanks to concerned citizens Andrew Y. and Faye. (More at Global News.)
“It’s a nice kitchen you’ve got here, lady. Doing all right for yourself, aren’t you? It sure would be a shame if anything … bad was to happen here. I mean, accidents happen all the time — there you are, pouring yourself a nice cup of coffee, when BANG! Hand grenade. Happens every day. That’s why me and my brother here have a little business proposition for you.”