It is because one of you… is the murderer of Sir Hector Blayvin! And tonight I shall unmask the guilty party! Will it be Contessa Gloryosky von Saspoot, who coveted Sir Hector’s fortune to finance her $5,000-a-day QVC pewter figurine shopping habit?
Or perhaps it is none other than Reginald Bloomingonion, who was swindled by Sir Hector into spending millions on worthless swamp land in Siberia, which is even more embarrassing when you consider that there is no swamp land in Siberia?
Or shall I name Sir Horace’s twin daughters, Abigail and Abigail, who never forgave their cruel father for not giving them different names?
Or will it be Lord Brimstone Mountbatty, rebuffed in his attempts to purchase Sir Hector’s estate to turn it into Middle Ages Happy Torture Time theme park?
So, you may ask yourselves: How shall I reveal the dastardly killer? It is but child’s play! I shall leave the murder weapons — a Colt 45, a crowbar, three bottles of poison, and a copy of Dianetics — on the coffee table and turn my back, at which time the murderer will reveal himself to the others by killing me in an attempt to thwart the investigation!
Spotted by sleuther-inner Arne on Reddit.
LOL
For some reason I read this in the voice of Patrick Jane from The Mentalist.
I read the name Sir Hector Blayvin in a Jerry Lewis voice. Blaaayvin!
Hey, LAAADY!!!
Does anyone remember Jerry Lewis in Cinderfella? Just askin.
Yes! Best Jerry Lewis movie, imo.
Those late night QVC items are so hard to resist when you are sleep deprived.
Touch NOTHING!!
LOL!! You outdid yourself, says I, as a long-time addict to murder mysteries and especially the old-fashioned British drawing-room ones.
Kudos, NTMTOM! (and am also a little envious of your gift for writing!!)
And I was reading this expecting a cat built like Nero Wolfe!
Yes, of course!! He would deliver the whole thing, then leave to take care of his orchids. 😀
And quaff beer and indulge in hedonistic gastronomic pastimes!
A man after my own heart, I’m not much into quaffing, but am always ready for some hedonistic gastronomy followed by a long nap with a purring cat on my lap. My idea of heaven.
Forgot to add, I approve of your choice of avatar – THAT is my favorite part of my kitties. Especially when it’s pink. Irresistible.
Thanks! That’s The Boy’s nose. It’s the only part of him that’s delicate!
Colonel Mustard in the library with a candlestick!!
Exactly.
Contessa Gloryosky von Saspoot! The name of my next kitty.
I’m having a Hercule Poirot “little grey cells” moment here.
yay, I came to say that!
🙂 It was either that or Midsomer Murders! Or Death in Paradise! Or Wallander! Or… gosh… too much Netflix do you think?
Hehe, there’s no such thing as ‘too much Netflix’ 😀
I have no idea why that particular hovertext had me falling off the bed laughing but you certainly have a gift sir.
I know! It made me choke on my chardonnay….
Murder by Dianetics, priceless! Bravo sir! Bravo!
LOL, I snorted with laughter at that part. Also love ‘Reginald Bloomingonion’ – this is some top shelf Nomtommery! 😀
Nomtommery, my new favorite word!
Alert the OED!!! New word of the year 2016!
Love NOMTOMMERY.
Wow, thanks all! (blushes and curtseys) 😀
Nomtommery!!!!!!!! Brilliant!!!!
I immediately read this in the voice of David Niven a la Murder By Death. One of your finest yarns, NTMTOM.
I think NTMTOM is channeling David Niven
Nothing can top the dialogue between Alec Guinness and Nancy Walker. Probably my fave performance by him.
Oh geez, Maggie Smith’s intrigued “How Tacky…”
Only Neil Simon’s writing could’ve pulled this kind of talent.
Utterly the best in nomtommery! QVC and Dianetics nearly choaked me! (Heartily approve the new word!)