Lucifer Gets a Progress Report

“Once again we have sabotaged Christmas according to your wishes, O Dark Lord. All the children’s presents have been replaced with socks and underwear. We gave Google gift cards to the Apple people and Apple gift cards to the Google people. We left tons of self-help and weight loss books with passive-aggressive messages in their titles. Tomorrow morning the tears and arguments shall flow like music to thine ears.”

“What about egg nog? Did everyone get egg nog?”

Via Reddit.

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19 thoughts on “Lucifer Gets a Progress Report

    • Gigi The cat lady December 24, 2017 / 2:49 pm

      I had the pleasure of attending Neil Gaiman reading live on several occasions, I just love his voice, I would listen to him reading the phonebook!

      • allein ? December 24, 2017 / 3:09 pm

        I r jellus.

    • Murray C December 24, 2017 / 3:54 pm

      Thanks for the reminder, Allein – I have too much to do today but hopefully by Tuesday I’ll be a bit freer.

      Mike, I think I laughed harder at this than anything so far. Maybe you need to figure out how to do stand-up with all of this stuff. Another gut-buster – but to the 10th power.

      We don’t do much as far as gift-giving goes – I have nothing for my dear husband except a joke present. And my friends and I have mostly all agreed to cut out gift giving. I will buy something if I’m really inspired, the perfect gift. Thank heaven because I don’t really shop except for art supplies and maybe Christmas decorations. ?

      MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!!!!

      • Laura December 24, 2017 / 4:14 pm

        Same for us, Murray — I happened to stumble upon the perfect gift for my husband a few weeks ago, which was a miracle since he is the *hardest* person to shop for, but I don’t expect anything from him since he already let me sign up, for the very first time, to a sock club I’ve been wanting to join for many years. Plus we’ve also done a number of charitable gifts, of course. This year was an important gift for that, with all the storms and assorted disasters, so we’ve tried to send our money where it will do the most good. And I support the ACLU and the Planetary Society and the Ali Forney Center (for homeless LGBT kids) on a monthly basis.

        So we only get each other gifts when we come across something special and perfect, and a joke gift isn’t beyond us; last year I gave my husband a silly mechanical coin bank, for example. I don’t think his family went in for that kind of thing, so it’s good to teach him that joke gifts are always good!

        • Murray C December 26, 2017 / 1:03 pm

          Yes, we’ve allotted a certain amount to distribute to different charities this week (we’ve given throughout the year, but with all the requests coming in now it’s nice to know I can give to various causes) – I’m flagging my possibilities as I go through all the emails i haven’t had a chance to look at the last couple of days.

          SO! what was this perfect gift? Maybe it’ll give me an idea!

          • allein ? December 26, 2017 / 1:11 pm

            One of my gifts was a donation to the county SPCA…they give you a card with a teeny-tiny Milkbone – like, Chihuahua-puppy-sized – on it to give to the person in whose name you donated. 🙂

  1. Sowmya December 24, 2017 / 12:12 pm

    Luci- fur, indeed! Happy last shopping day til Xmas, folks!

  2. debg December 24, 2017 / 12:32 pm

    When I was a kid, my dad had this annual ritual of telling us that Christmas had been canceled. Even as my brother and I got older and wiser, we always felt a stab of terror–sure, he was probably kidding, but what if THIS TIME IT WERE TRUE?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!

  3. Ricky's Mom December 24, 2017 / 12:34 pm

    “Google gift cards to the Apple people and Apple gift cards to the Google people” *snerk*

    • Dana December 24, 2017 / 2:11 pm

      That was my favorite part!

  4. Wuyizidi December 24, 2017 / 12:39 pm

    I knew it! Those elves on the shelves cannot be trusted.

    • Smartypants December 24, 2017 / 3:06 pm

      Hehe, those snitches – they’re getting fruitcake!

  5. Duckie ? December 24, 2017 / 1:52 pm

    Now that’s just nasty. If I didn’t live on the same continent as the rest of my family, I’d be tempted to do something similar. One day…
    In the meantime, I am having a gloriously lazy day. Hot mug of tea, heater at my feet, fake fire on the TV, and a River Song book in hand. (If only hubby didn’t have to work, he could be doing the same, albeit with a different book.) Two days of absolutely nothing.
    Happy day, all.

  6. Gigi The cat lady December 24, 2017 / 2:58 pm

    Hail Lucy Furr! Ave Santana!

    • Wuyizidi December 24, 2017 / 10:50 pm

      • allein ? December 24, 2017 / 11:06 pm

        ?

  7. Kar December 25, 2017 / 12:03 am

    Little a-holes were definitely under my tree and in my brother’s inbox. Finally asked him for ONE specific thing after years of terrible, non-relevant gifts that would be more suited for a stranger on the street.

    And I got a bunch of non-relevant gifts that i’ll never wear or use but might be great for a stranger on the street.

    At least I have a coal black demon who unfortunately doesn’t ride a white unicorn.

  8. -J December 25, 2017 / 12:10 am

    I miss Santa Duck

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