Get Ahead in Life!

Do you drool excessively? Do you often need to scratch behind your ears? Using your leg? You may be one of millions who suffer from dog head syndrome. Fortunately, there’s Barculon™, the once-daily pill that can produce noticeable results in as little as 30 years*. Ask your doctor if Barculon is right for you, and if he says no just look up with those big sad eyes, that works every time.

* Side effects of Barculon are mild to Lovecraftian and may include: dizziness, nausea, temporal displacement, heebies and/or jeebies, memory loss, memory loss, spontaneous moonwalking, parade wave, bedroom eyes, moral panic, memory loss, the inability to pronounce the word “flugelhorn,” and memory loss. Do not take Barculon if you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, speak Esperanto, vape, use prescription nail polish, prefer Shemp over Curly, have frequent contact with blacksmiths, or have been possessed by demons in the last ninety days.

OK… so… she’s a dog.

I hear they discovered this drug in the (wait for it) lab, Sharon H.!

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43 thoughts on “Get Ahead in Life!

  1. allein ? August 16, 2018 / 9:15 am

    I hate those Lovecraftian side effects….

    So on my way to work this morning, on the side of the road near an office complex (mostly doctors and other medical-type places), there was a GIANT INFLATABLE RAT. I don’t know why. It was not there yesterday. Somehow this fact seems to fit in with this post.

    (Like this one. Except on the grass right next to the curb in front of a suburban office complex.)

    • Ricky's Mom August 16, 2018 / 9:22 am

      Perhaps you already know this, but that rat means there’s a union on strike there. Maybe the picketers hadn’t arrived yet.

      • allein ? August 16, 2018 / 9:24 am

        I did not know that. Now I’m trying to think what’s in there that someone might be picketing..

        • fkaWaldenPond August 16, 2018 / 9:45 am

          I didn’t know this either– is this an American union thing? Do they use scary rat in other countries?

        • Tusitala August 16, 2018 / 10:47 am

          I’d seen the inflatable rats before, and somehow knew that was a union thing. However, until the DNC in 2016 (I work in Philly) I’d never seen a giant inflatable joint. I was in my office at the time, so I’m not sure what the intended purpose was (marijuana legalization, I guess).

          If anyone would appreciate the joke I made upon seeing it, it would be this group:
          “How did they inflate it”
          “Probably just puff, puff, pass”

          • allein ? August 16, 2018 / 11:04 am

            Heehee 🙂

            Thanks for the explanation, everyone. I guess I’ll have to watch and see what happens.

    • debg August 16, 2018 / 9:26 am

      That is terrifying.

    • Dana August 16, 2018 / 10:56 am

      Actually, in NYC, when you see a giant inflatable rat that means that the construction work that is going on is being done by non-union employees, so union members put up the rat in protest. It’ll usually stay up for as long as possible.

      I see now that Nano posted the same thing.

  2. Blue Footed Booby August 16, 2018 / 9:17 am

    Dog big or girl small??

    • debg August 16, 2018 / 9:25 am

      Yes.

  3. Luv Bunny August 16, 2018 / 9:30 am

    My guess is big dog with little girl. From the reading of this, I’d say the side effects are as bad as the disease. Hopefully, dog head syndrome is not contagious.

  4. Faye August 16, 2018 / 9:31 am

    Jeebies. Have them all the time. Lol.

    This biological combination would actually be high on my list as a life partner. Best combo ever if you ask me.

  5. Tara August 16, 2018 / 9:33 am

    Yup, Ricky’s mom is right. We had one down the block from my work for a year and a half. Sometimes there is a recording on a loop – that’s extra fun. In Philly it’s usually because the business is doing construction or upgrades where they are supposed to use union labor and aren’t.

    • Tara August 16, 2018 / 9:34 am

      Whoops – sorry – this comment should have been under Allein’s Ratty picture. 😉

      • Ricky's Mom August 16, 2018 / 9:41 am

        Hey, it’s morning! Under-caffeination is a thing. 😉

        • Tara August 16, 2018 / 1:51 pm

          Definitely!

    • allein ? August 16, 2018 / 9:50 am

      Hmm…I don’t usually go home that way but I might have to drive past later and see if it’s still there. Not finding anything in the news this morning…

      • Tara August 16, 2018 / 1:54 pm

        Actually they are usually only up during regular union working hours 7am-ish to 3pm-ish. So you might have to swing by tomorrow morning to see what’s what. 😉

        • allein ? August 16, 2018 / 2:12 pm

          I usually go that way in the morning, then on the way home I go the other way. Basically, I make a big circle. It’s all about traffic patterns, right turns, and the path of least resistance. 😉

          But I’m off tomorrow. 😛

          • Tara August 17, 2018 / 12:04 am

            Ah yes! A day off! Hope it is wonderful for you? ?

            • allein ? August 17, 2018 / 1:16 pm

              Well, I planned to get up and do stuff but I slept until 11:30ish and have yet to even take a shower…

  6. Tara August 16, 2018 / 9:35 am

    Brilliant disclaimers!!! Prescription nail polish? Priceless.

    • tagathax August 16, 2018 / 10:02 am

      I want to know more about the prescription nail polish! Is there glitter?

      • Faye August 16, 2018 / 10:04 am

        That’s a bonus.

      • allein ? August 16, 2018 / 10:05 am

        There are medicated nail polishes…I doubt they have glitter, though.

      • Smartypants August 17, 2018 / 7:15 am

        It’s like the prescription eyelash-growning liquid that Brooke Shields was promoting. I haven’t seen it around lately though.

        Which also reminds me – have you sen the false eyelashes that fasten with magnets…? Not making this up!

  7. Hilda August 16, 2018 / 10:10 am

    Heebies and/or jeebies!

  8. Lucy's Mom August 16, 2018 / 10:25 am

    Quite possibly, one of NTMTOM’s very best!

  9. Murray C August 16, 2018 / 10:33 am

    Methinks there’s a calendar page in the works here – not too long ago we had someone with a golden’s head – a theme! And there’s a beer! Sponsorships!

  10. Taquitos August 16, 2018 / 10:46 am

    She’s not my girlfriend. I find her interesting because she’s a client and because she sleeps above her covers… FOUR FEET above her covers! She barks, she drools, she claws!

    • Wuyizidi August 16, 2018 / 11:59 am

      But does she stack books symmetrically?

      • Taquitos August 16, 2018 / 12:03 pm

        I haven’t observed that myself, but I’ve heard that she was present at an undersea, unexplained, mass sponge migration.

        • allein ? August 16, 2018 / 12:05 pm

          I’m so confused…

          • Wuyizidi August 16, 2018 / 12:13 pm

            Hint: a giant rat would not be the most harmless thing I can imagine if I were tasked to come up means to end our world.

            • Blue Footed Booby August 16, 2018 / 12:53 pm

              I play Dark Souls so I know Wuyizidi is correct. Those rats will mess you up.

            • Taquitos August 16, 2018 / 4:34 pm

              Nobody steps on a church in my town!

    • Dana August 16, 2018 / 2:03 pm

      Hahaha! Brilliant.

      • Taquitos August 16, 2018 / 4:30 pm

        …I’m a little frightened by your user name… :p

        • Wuyizidi August 16, 2018 / 5:52 pm

  11. AJ August 16, 2018 / 11:09 am

    I’m speechless in the face of Mike’s greatness. I bow to the master.

  12. sumo mermaid August 16, 2018 / 3:45 pm

    I ALWAYS love Mike’s symptom lists!

Comments are closed.