“What am I paying you for? With all due respect, I need bleeding-edge, paradigm-shifting, best-in-breed ninja rockstars who think outside the box and raise the bar to a new gold standard, but you’re barely moving the needle! I’ve got a lot on my plate and limited bandwidth in my pipeline, so at the at the end of the day you need to lay off the low-hanging fruit, do more with less, get your ducks in a row, and start singing from the same page in the hymn book! There’s no ‘I’ in ‘team’!”
This is brilliant and hilarious. Mike, your ability to retain and string together cliches is amazing! Your sensitivity to hackery is practically chemical. And I am going to be using “limited bandwidth in my pipeline” every chance I get.
My bandwith is definitely limited this week. An office dog would help. Preferably a little one who will sleep in my lap all day.
I would ‘hog’ any animal my office has so obviously we would need two.
That’s fine.
Where is this? Are they hiring? I really need an office dog.
It would be so nice to give scritchies at work. Would definitely help my productivity. I think I need to get pupdates from my coworkers now.
Ugghh, ‘low-hanging fruit’ is the WORST. I had two previous managers who just loved that expression….ugghhh.
This is utterly amazing. Frankly, I love “bleeding-edge” and will start using that one immediately!
“[R]aise the bar to a new gold standard” is pretty terrific also.
My new career goal is to be a
bleeding-edge, paradigm-shifting, best-in-breed ninja rockstar who think outside the box and raise the bar to a new gold standard
The Web Economy Bullshit Generator is a website that’s probably 20 years old (and looks it) yet it still manages to generate phrases I’ve heard people use without a hint of irony.
https://www.dack.com/web/bullshit.html
Some of the phrases it generated for me now:
– “utilize best of breed web-readiness”
– “syndicate revolutionary ROI”
– “exploit mission critical platforms”
Thank you! It’s wonderful!
I MUST find a way to drop “recontextualize real-time functionalities” into random conversation.
New Year’s resolution.
(Actually, I think my building’s strata council already uses this site.)
Now I’m shocked! Kermit, your site just suggested that I exploit back-end niches and target sexy e-services! More pearl clutching here.
back end niches… fantastic as a euphemism. Sorry. I had to go there. Well actually NOT.
SOMEone had to.
You can exploit back-end niches by “engineering plug-and-play mindshare”.
See, your whole venture capital Power Point presentation practically writes itself! No wonder the tech boom coincided with the creation of that website.
Plenty of people must have gotten funding that way.
I’m still coming back to this– thanks Mike! 😀