“Hello again. Listen, I know I promised that I wouldn’t tell anyone about the free bread crumbs you left out here yesterday because that was very kind of you and I know I promised and I would never ever want to betray your trust in me if I could at all help it but you see it’s like this…”

Every year, our offices field hundreds of complaints from dissatisfied people whose wishes did not turn out as anticipated, whether granted by fortune cookies, genies, talking fish, Zoltar machines, etc. We remind the public that while the ethereal forces of the spirit world can grant wishes, they’re not mind readers. Please phrase all wishes using concrete, specific language to avoid mishaps. For example, wishes for romantic partners should specify age, height, employment status, and species.

I hear he’s loaded with bread, Andrew Y.