As I place my head into the Orb of Infinity, its mystic power expands my consciousness across the vastness of space and time. Through its portals I see myself in alternate realities, including one in which I get my head out of this thing.
I’m not going to lie to you. The two of us know that what we did was thoughtless, destructive, and violated the trust you have placed in us. And so I’m going to be the bigger man here and tell you the whole truth: the cat made me do it.
Goodness, we must look a fright. It happened when my colleague and I were returning from our morning constitutional, and passed a group of ruffians engaged in a spirited winter’s battle. Now, I might have made one or two mild remarks on the subject of their accuracy, but the response of the barbarians was shockingly out of all proportion. Suffice to say, the question of whether they can hit the broad side of a barn has been conclusively settled.
“But I can explain. That new sofa you brought home wasn’t a sofa at all, but actually Jacques LeSchlaques, notorious furniture impersonator and thief. He was waiting until nightfall to ransack your house, but we knocked the stuffing out of him!”
Such selfless heroes, Andrew Y.