Happy HELLoween, hungerers for horror! It wouldn’t be spooky season without a visit from your old Uncle Flurnston, so here’s a moldy old tale of terror I dug from the vaults titled… Terror is Served.
“What do you mean, you forgot?” shrieked Mrs. Wawa at her sheepish husband. It was the day of little Willie Wawa’s fifth birthday, and his parents were in a panic. “We’ve invited all his friends for a lavish party, and you forgot to call the caterers, put up the decorations, and hire the entertainment?! How will we get that done by tonight?”
As if to answer her frantic question, the doorbell rang. “Greetings, my name is Egghead McGee,” said the strange little man when they opened the door. “I am an itinerant jack-of-all-trades — clown, cook, and balloon artist extraordinaire — and I happened upon your lovely home in hopes you might have need of my services.”
Scarcely believing his luck, and having not read ahead to the end of this story, Mr. Wawa hired him and set him to work. Mrs. Wawa had her doubts, but when the party began, the strange little clown proved his worth. The guests laughed at his delightful antics, and his seemingly inexhaustible supply of streamers and balloons transformed the backyard into a festive funhouse.
“Now, while you pin the tail on the donkey, I will see to dinner.” And with that, he disappeared into the kitchen. The Wawas let out a sigh of relief. The day had been saved and everyone was happy, especially their beloved son… wait, where had Willie gone?
“I hope you’re all hungry!” said a voice from behind them.
If it’s a bad day, or even a bad week, There is some comfort you can seek. To gaze upon a fluffy cheek Will cheer you up when you feel bleak.
And now for something completely different: A llama with three buttocks.
The humble buttock, you will find Is Nature’s method to remind Us all to relax and unwind And never mind if we fall behind.
75% floof, 25% ‘tocks.
And soon, thanks to this tiny twerker You’re feeling calm and less berzerker. Just why do ‘tocks make us feel perkier? Don’t ask me why; I only work ‘ere.
No need to point out the tail, it points for itself.
Surprising as it may sound, the evil laugh can often be the most disarming tool in the evil villain’s arsenal. It can inspire minions to fanatical levels of devotion and also demoralize handsome enemy agents so that they accept the futility of their feeble attempts to thwart your plans. The proper evil laugh has many parts:
Laugh: Begin with an innocent chuckle, as if savoring a private joke. As the inevitability of victory becomes clear to you, build into a maniacal cackle.
Pose: During the cackle, lift the head up and gaze into the skies, as if challenging the very gods above. Avoid eye contact with insignificant mortals near you.
Lighting: An eerie glow from beneath will make you appear more terrifying. Possible sources: Flashlight, table lamp, nuclear reactor.
Special Effects: If you can manage to shoot lightning bolts from your cheeks and eyebrows, do it. Nobody will mess with you at that point, guaranteed.
“Once my satellite unleashes the Hypno-Ray, the world’s tuna supply… WILL BE MINE! BWAH-HAH-HAH-HAH!”
