The mischievous cat in her habitat, alert to methods to knock you flat
Watch out when you walk at the top of the stairs
She may lie in wait to catch you unawares
If you’re setting the table and carrying dishes
A smartly-placed tripwire will answer her wishes
When she’s not tossing obstacles into your path
She’s making you jump as you exit the bath
Her ambition in life, from her first moment natal
Is to get you in accidents, preferably fatal
What motivates all this behavior suspicious?
It’s simple but gruesome: She finds you delicious.
*slow golf clap* BRAVO. This one is right up there with The Prickly Kid. “Her ambition in life, from her first moment natal / Is to get you in accidents, preferably fatal” – I love the way you rhyme. Yeats, Wordsworth, Dickinson, Whitman, NOMTOM. That’s the way the Norton Anthology of Poetry’s table of content will read in the future.
My favorite line, too! I love the NTMTOM kind of poetry!?
I can only add to Birdcage’s comment that it deserves the standing ovation slow golf clap. That was great! The eyes!!
That is most definitely a Cheshire Cat. Right down to the smile.
Thank you NTMTOM. Another worthy entry for the coffee table book, which is turning into a coffee table encyclopedia. Quickly.
You mean a book the size of a coffee table, right?
Not quite. At this point, it’s a series of large format, quarto-size say, folios that is too big to fit on a shelf, but multiple volumes.
THICK volumes.
I think the coffe table book should be interactive–like you read the story and then pull a tab–or something–and see the picture, thus preserving the “scroll-down effect” surprise!
Well, if I’m going to write a pop-up book, I’d better bring on a consultant with some experience. Probably the guy on the right:
Maybe it’s a book that IS a coffee table. New from IKEA, it’s KAFFETABLBUK, just $19.95, including allen wrench.
Wow! That’s quite reasonable!
Yeah, but it’s just the veneer of a good book. The inside is just pulp fiction. 😉
Just the veneer! We all know NTMTOM would never settle for veneer.
I sneer at veneer! Of flimsy veneer I will not hear!
Fabulous work, NOMTOM! And it describes my oldest male to a T.
brilliant as always!
Thank you, and welcome to the site, first-time commenter! Glad to have you. 🙂
Move over, T.S. Eliot! Old Possum’s Book of Practical Cats has a new entry!
I laughed! I cried! It was better than “Cats”!
I read it twice more! 😀
I saw Cats three times and fell asleep in each one. Don’t ask why I went three times – maybe I was hoping it’d get better? NTMTOM is way superior to TS Eliot in my opinion. But then I can understand NTMTOM.
I’m having withdrawals without Rats! It’s Monday. Any chance we could reinstate it here??
Welcome to the site, Courtney! I sometimes have an “ugh, it’s Monday” post, but not necessarily with rats. I will be on the lookout for rat images that I like and I’ll see what I can do.
Maybe “Monday Blarghhhhs!!!”? Or “Monday Musings”?
While I understand the withdrawal symptoms and the wish for a redux of our dearly departed site, I, for one, would prefer that NTMTOM’s site develop its own unique take and view – its own “voice”, if you will. Which is not to say that the occasional homage to CO would be remiss – just that we should let NTMTOM be NTMTOM.
Peace.
Yes!
What she said, thers is only one NTMTOM and I wouldn’t change him one iota.
Everyone is so excited to be together again in a fun safe place that it is natural to want to recreate past traditions.
Let the new NTMTOM vibe and vision flow and grow as it will people.
Time to acknowledge the good from the past while looking forward to stepping gingerly over the banana peels and ducking the spit-takes of the future.
Yes, I agree! CO was a wonderful haven for many years and I miss it but NTMTOM has created his own unique space for us to enjoy and be a community and I am grateful!
Its sort of like Beyond the Fringe and Monty Python.
Clearly one preceded the other and was an honored source of inspiration, tone, etc.
You can admire both troupes but you don’t expect MP to stick a frog or peach into every parrot sketch.
I have never seen such a look from a cat of either pure trouble, plotting, or some sort of gleeful revenge, on its mind. Love the poem NTMTOM .
Gleeful was the word that came to my mind, too! That face and NTMTOM’s writing are hysterical!
Diabolical expression. The poem describes my cat’s attitude precisely.
Dorothy, a tuxedo cat, herds me back into the (her) bedroom with loud meows if I sit in the living room talking to other humans for too long.
She’s quite insistent. I get the distinct impression that now that she has trapped and trained her own human slave she doesn’t want me to stray for long. Definitely a predator/prey relationship. If she was scaled up to lion size I would be in big trouble.
That cat should ne named Lucyfur! That is the evilest face I’ve ever seen. I LOVE her!
Evilist but beautiful at the same time. Oh the paradox of pussies.
Okay… LOVE the name choice! ☺️ Had a friend with a black cat that would sink her teeth into any part of you she could reach. We briefly considered calling her Nosferatu–“Fur” for short!
(Old CO fan, new NTMTOM fan.) Thanks, Mike. I snorted tea all over my computer monitor after reading that poem. I have gone through more monitors because of you than from any other reason.
Welcome to the site! Your comment provides a good moment to remind readers of standard comedy website policy: The operator of this site shall not be held responsible for damaged monitors, keyboards, and other equipment, nor for cleaning bills resulting from spilled or snorted liquids.
Well done on the poetry!! Edward Gorey would be so proud!!
Thank you, Chase, and welcome to the comments section! 🙂
Somewhere in the ether Lewis Carroll and TS Elliot are spewing diet coke over some clouds.
No, no, no!! T. S. Eliot – the Old Possum – has found a worthy successor! Alert the next producer of “Cats” – a new song is waiting!
while laughing
The most evil-looking cat ever – even my black cat from years ago did not look this evil, even with her baleful yellow eyes. I’d be nervous about turning my back on that kitty. NTMTOM, am awed by your poetic prowess. May your Muse never dry up. 😀
I had a purely evil cat, seriously, I still have the scar where he tried to remove my liver, but he was always cold and unemotional. Like evil was his job.
This is very similar to the look I assume my kitty has on her face when she grabs my ankle and flips over scratching and biting at the same time while I carry my full cup of coffee to the (where else?) coffee table.
So. Many. Stains.
I keep coming back to this post.. SO GOOOOOOOODDDDDDD
This cat isn’t evil in my opinion. He’s just being a cat 😉