Residents of the upper lower greater tri-countries area are being cautioned to avoid swarms of doggofied killer bees. The species can become angry if provoked, but will calm down for sausages, bacon, or a nice game of fetch.

“Hello, is this Vanity Fur Pet Salon? I just have a small issue. No, your stylist did a great job, it’s just that — you see, the brochure said that ‘every pup comes home dressed in a complimentary bandana’ and, well…”

“Naw, we don’t sell Slurpees here, that’s the place across the street. Unless you’re referring to when I jump over the counter and start slurping your face, which is free with every fill-up of eight gallons or more.”