What, you think nature just happens?
As you may know, Planetary Maintenance has recently been placed under the auspices of the newly-created Department of Global Efficiency, which has installed a number of firmware updates. One such update appears to have reverted all complex systems of reproduction back to their single-cell methods. We are working to correct the matter.
Submitted in duplicate by reader DC.
Due to an unfortunate misunderstanding between Planetary Maintenance and a recently terminated employee from our Reality Engineering division, we are attempting to disable a virus that gives everyone the Spider-man ability to cling to walls and other vertical surfaces. While it may be tempting to exploit these abilities, please be aware they could be disabled at any moment.
From your friendly neighborhood submitterator Elizabeth G.
Due to an unforseen misalignment of the Magnetic Force Dampening Matrix, gravitational direction may become temporarily randomized. If you become disoriented, return to a gravitationally safe location and await further announcements.
It’s enough to make you climb the walls, Andrew Y.