What, you think nature just happens?
Following a routine firmware update to temporal regulation systems, we have observed that certain life forms may age faster than the normal flow of time. We are pleased to announce that we were able to track down and correct the issue in only ten minutes, or for some of you, nineteen years. The Department of Planetary Maintenance apologizes for any inconvenience, and wishes you a nice life today.
Due to a failure in the Feline Cognitive Inhibitor Matrix, household cats may experience episodes in which they over-analyze common situations, resulting in self-doubt, paranoia, or general confusion. Physical symptoms commonly include mild headaches or dizziness, although sometimes more severe reactions may occur.
Wait..what?
We have discovered that, due to a programming error, the center of gravity for cats has been shifted by 45 degrees. Although we are attempting to correct this, our efforts have been complicated by the cats’ insistence that they are correct and gravity is wrong. Negotiations between Planetary Maintenance and the International Brotherhood of Felines are ongoing and we hope to have the issue resolved to the satisfaction of all parties.
Always wanted to walk on the ceiling, Elizabeth G.
Due to issues with our molecular density regulator subsystems, random objects and organisms may become heavier than normal. We are working to correct the issue. If you should experience a sensation of extreme heaviness, do not sit or lie down as this may exacerbate structural damage.
